I Hate This Part…

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I wrote this a couple of years back, as a coping mechanism. I wasn’t going to post it because It felt quite personal. Reading back over it now it feels like it was written by a completely different person.

I find it really strange there are moments in this that are sooo cringeworthy.

It’s hilarious that I was ever like this… Now I’m just heartless and feel nothing…

 

In the spirit of posting semi regularly it’s making an appearance here.

Unsent Emails

March sometime….

When we were trying to make friends work.

Subject: You’re a Heartbreaker

Haha Just thought of that and couldn’t pass up the chance to say it cause you get jokes like, and I’m looking into comedy as a career path for me since I had absolutely everyone in stitches on Friday night. But yeah seems you’re a heart breaker you’re a heart breaker is not my song anymore…

So many songs that’ll always remind me of you…
They’ll make me smile and feel great just for a second or two, it’s strange…

There’s no hard feelings between us and all our memories are good so I don’t think you’ll mind this email…
this is just me also procrastinating at 5am the morning my essay is due anyway…

I’m gonna come back to this later, maybe I’ll have an interesting story for ya… Back soon! x

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May
By soon I meant in like six weeks of course… and I haven’t spoken to you in over six weeks… I’ll probably never send this email because I don’t think we’ll ever be friends again…

I tried the whole “just friends” thing and it just didn’t work….

I really hate you at the moment because I love you so much still.

You lied to me, you said that you needed me in your life you needed me to be your friend and in truth you just don’t care….

I miss you so much I constantly want to talk to you but I know it would have absolutely no positive outcome… I constantly think of you when songs come on the radio songs that weren’t even connected to us but I can fit our relationship into them in some way.

I just feel when we decided we’d be “just friends”, I was happy and texting you loads and everything was great, I was still in denial I admit but I convinced myself we could be friends. After a week or two I realised that it was only me making all of the effort.

I’d text you…

You’d text me back….

So I stopped…

and you stopped because you didn’t and still don’t want to text or talk to me you just did it out of politeness…

The difference between me and you is that it’s killing me not texting you and for you, well you just don’t think of me…

I’ve been erased from your life and you’re happy without me… Good for you…

I’m lonely and alone just thinking of you…. I don’t know what the point in writing this is.

Maybe at this stage we do just need a clean break… I need to basically forget about you and not speak to you again in order for me to get over you….

2 Weeks Later

Your online, I’m struggling with whether I should break this silence between us… I think it’s your call…. What is going on in your head…

I can only guess that I don’t even cross your mind… I dreamt about us getting back together the other night… you know me and my dreams… I still think about you all the time… I suppose for me we haven’t ended or rather my love for you hasn’t…

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June

I thought I was just about over you, I’ve just had a complete relapse.

It’s killing me.

I went from checking your Bebo and Facebook every couple of days to a couple of times a day.

I just keep looking back on our entire relationship remembering the good times and hating that they’re gone and hating that I remember them.

I just think I still love you so much and I hate that I do.

An eternal sunshine of the spotless mind wipe clean of all my thoughts is just what I need right now.

Not knowing we were ever an Us.

Maybe that’s the only way. By now I should be over you.

This constant painful thinking of you isn’t right AND you’re back in my dreams!!! there’s no escape from this and I thought I was at the home straight.

I know we made mistakes but the good outweighed the bad.

I now find myself thinking whether you think of me and the only answer I can come up with is no.

I feel like I’ve just been forgotten about. A distant memory which had little or no impact on your life…

You’ve moved on and you seem ultra happy… who am I to deny you that? I haven’t the right.

You moved on so quick and I hate you for that (hate you cause I love you) hate seems strong as I look at it but it’s the only word to describe the intensity of what I feel.

You moved on so quick there was already something between the two of you the week after you broke up with me. I could see, I wasn’t blind…

I’m actually quite observant (Except, it seems, when it comes to my girlfriend not loving me)

I hate that I do but I question whether there was something between you when we were still together…

I wonder do you hate me.

I feel you do… did you gradually begin to resent and hate me and you just didn’t discuss this with me or was it a sudden onset of hate and you just had to get rid of me delete me from your life?
I wonder did you ever love me, I think you did, I have memories of it. I think of christmas we were shopping in town and we were in Jervis… I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about but I remember messing and I don’t know what I said, it went something like
You: “I Love you”
Me: “You don’t really though”
I don’t remember what you said but you related it back to the fact that you were the first person to say it and I remember truly in that moment feeling the love between us.

I probably just brushed it off with a joke but I think we both felt the seriousness of that moment… Maybe I’m wrong…

The indifference is the worst thing for me…

I probably don’t cross your mind.

Sure you have him to think of now…

I don’t know when I’ll be over this.

I think this helps but it’d be better to get answers from the source.

I don’t want to rock the boat though and I was clear on how I felt the last time we discussed it…
I still dream of one day us getting back together, that’s probably the only time I’ll show this to you.

We can discuss it then, heh.

I was in Doyle’s a couple of weeks ago.

I remember just not really enjoying myself.

All I could think of was two times we had been there together!

Both times we had seriously passionate moments…

It’s a sad state of affairs when I’m just living off those distant memories…

I miss your kiss…

I miss you…

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I Keep Dancing on my own!

Sooo….

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This is becoming all too familiar a feeling…. Nearly another year has passed…

Regular posting is just something I can’t guarantee.

I appear to be incapable of commitment. Makes sense really. Easier to have no commitments isn’t it?

No responsibility.  Nothing and nobody to rely on me.

I’ve never really considered myself much of a writer but I have this romantic notion that I want a successful blog with a little following and my life will just be better for that. I’ll be famous in my own way! The main issue with that is that I have NOTHING to say for myself or at least nothing that I feel would interest anybody at all.

Here I am though.

Trying once again.

February 2013.

Living a completely different life than I had a year ago.

The changes I alluded were in the pipeline in my last post have been and gone.

I moved to Singapore! I’ve been Living here since 5th July 2012.

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So I’ve loads of stories to tell, right?

You’ll just have to wait and see…

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Haha xoxo

I’m New in the City but I’m Down for the Night

Welcome to my new blog…

This is my attempt at reviving my hit and miss short lived blogging experience.

It’s been over a year since I wrote anything on TheBoyWhoFoundFear

I have had some changes in my life since then and I’ve plans in the works that will hopefully transform my life from the dull and dreary to the fantastically adventurous and amazingly blog worthy…

I decided a fresh start was needed, although I’m keeping my BoyWhoFoundFear persona, run from the lights will be very different I think. The chronicles of a fearful boy, lost in the world, just trying to find his way…

Cheers to Kanye for the title inspiration and very relevant song…

Wish me luck?
Stick around and hopefully I’ll do something interesting…
Cheers!